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Grief Support
Tears
Tears express what words cannot. They open to the pain in the core of your soul. Tears are the "water release" that carries you through the darkest part of mourning. Tears are often the first step out of the numbness of denial. Beyond denial is the pain—the pain of loss, the pain of death, and the pain of complete separation. Tears express fear, anguish, desolation, and utter frustration.
Anger
After the passive, numbing feelings of denial and then tears, you will enter an active stage of mourning. Anger and anxiety dominate this stage, as you slowly realize the full impact of the death on your life. Death always leaves a vacancy and chaotic disorder. You feel the pressure of this death colliding with the pressures of life. Anger is the most natural expression of this turmoil.
Anger breaks through the bonds of numbness and tears and is often the first step in grieving. In fact, most anger can be summed up in one word—why? Why me? Why now? You may examine the
dark-side of life, as well as the dark-side of death. Look well into it, for it will reveal many things that you don’t want to see during your life. It will reveal things about the core of your fears.
Anger should not be repressed, but channeled in appropriate ways. Your hospice social worker can provide counseling to assist you with expressing anger and tears.
Guilt
Guilt is the phase of grief that personalizes the loss to you and you alone. It is your own particular place in this loss. Guilt can be summed up in the word—if. If only I had been different, felt differently, perhaps this wouldn’t have happened. This guilt is part of the fantasy that one can control the destiny of another.
Blaming yourself for a loss is universal. Rationally, you may know that it isn’t your fault, but as you relive your life, you can see all sorts of ways to have avoided that place where you are now grieving. Guilt is the result of dealing with the outcomes of our choices in the most personal, private way.
The only way to relieve this guilt is to find forgiveness in yourself. Journal writing is an effective tool during the entire journey of loss. It’s a way to reveal your thoughts, especially when the feelings themselves may be difficult to define. Guilt is an all-pervasive feeling that can mix with anger, depression, denial, and even acceptance.
Depression
Feeling the hurt is a passive phase of the mourning process. After all of the anger, you will need the respite of this stage. Mourners usually experience this as a deep and prolonged depression. This is no longer the shock of early denial, but the true realization that life has indeed gone on without your loved one and all that this entails. This depression is painful, “truly the dark night of the soul.” Within this deeply, painful place is seed for new growth, but the price one must pay is to look through the mirror daily and see the changes this death has brought forth in you.
The grief process tests one’s belief system no matter how firmly rooted it has been in the past. You need to find the courage to delve unafraid into the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that emerge at this time. Great growth is only possible with utter and complete honesty. At this time, the true work of healing begins.
Fear
Conquering fear is a lifelong task. Underlying each stage of the grieving process is fear—fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of pain, fear of one’s emotions, and fear of both life and death itself. Fear is all-pervasive and not limited to loss or grief in particular, but part of the act of living and part of the general human condition. You cannot ignore fear and its potential impact on life. Many choices are made out of fear. The greatest opportunity that loss gives us is a chance to move toward our fears,to befriend them, and most importantly, to come into a new relationship with the unknown.
Shame
Shame is a discomfort we feel about our own vulnerability. Our wounds embarrass us. Our loneliness, pain, confusion, anger, tears, and inability to cope are humiliating. We feel naked and alone, caught in some unspeakable act—the act of great sorrow. To compound this there is an old notion that somehow death is communicable.
Unresolved Issues
Death often brings up unfinished business. Old jealousies, hurts, and disputes that were never fully resolved often resurface when facing death. Your hospice social worker can provide counseling to help the family resolve these unfinished issues. The mourner’s body is being stressed mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. This is not an easy time for anyone.
Acceptance
The challenge of this final stage of grief is to emerge from the deep soul-searching night and to actively choose life—life after grief. Before you can choose life, you must come to the realization that the previous part of your life is truly over. Many people find this to be the hardest stage of grief.
Tears express what words cannot. They open to the pain in the core of your soul. Tears are the "water release" that carries you through the darkest part of mourning. Tears are often the first step out of the numbness of denial. Beyond denial is the pain—the pain of loss, the pain of death, and the pain of complete separation. Tears express fear, anguish, desolation, and utter frustration.
Anger
After the passive, numbing feelings of denial and then tears, you will enter an active stage of mourning. Anger and anxiety dominate this stage, as you slowly realize the full impact of the death on your life. Death always leaves a vacancy and chaotic disorder. You feel the pressure of this death colliding with the pressures of life. Anger is the most natural expression of this turmoil.
Anger breaks through the bonds of numbness and tears and is often the first step in grieving. In fact, most anger can be summed up in one word—why? Why me? Why now? You may examine the
dark-side of life, as well as the dark-side of death. Look well into it, for it will reveal many things that you don’t want to see during your life. It will reveal things about the core of your fears.
Anger should not be repressed, but channeled in appropriate ways. Your hospice social worker can provide counseling to assist you with expressing anger and tears.
Guilt
Guilt is the phase of grief that personalizes the loss to you and you alone. It is your own particular place in this loss. Guilt can be summed up in the word—if. If only I had been different, felt differently, perhaps this wouldn’t have happened. This guilt is part of the fantasy that one can control the destiny of another.
Blaming yourself for a loss is universal. Rationally, you may know that it isn’t your fault, but as you relive your life, you can see all sorts of ways to have avoided that place where you are now grieving. Guilt is the result of dealing with the outcomes of our choices in the most personal, private way.
The only way to relieve this guilt is to find forgiveness in yourself. Journal writing is an effective tool during the entire journey of loss. It’s a way to reveal your thoughts, especially when the feelings themselves may be difficult to define. Guilt is an all-pervasive feeling that can mix with anger, depression, denial, and even acceptance.
Depression
Feeling the hurt is a passive phase of the mourning process. After all of the anger, you will need the respite of this stage. Mourners usually experience this as a deep and prolonged depression. This is no longer the shock of early denial, but the true realization that life has indeed gone on without your loved one and all that this entails. This depression is painful, “truly the dark night of the soul.” Within this deeply, painful place is seed for new growth, but the price one must pay is to look through the mirror daily and see the changes this death has brought forth in you.
The grief process tests one’s belief system no matter how firmly rooted it has been in the past. You need to find the courage to delve unafraid into the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that emerge at this time. Great growth is only possible with utter and complete honesty. At this time, the true work of healing begins.
Fear
Conquering fear is a lifelong task. Underlying each stage of the grieving process is fear—fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of pain, fear of one’s emotions, and fear of both life and death itself. Fear is all-pervasive and not limited to loss or grief in particular, but part of the act of living and part of the general human condition. You cannot ignore fear and its potential impact on life. Many choices are made out of fear. The greatest opportunity that loss gives us is a chance to move toward our fears,to befriend them, and most importantly, to come into a new relationship with the unknown.
Shame
Shame is a discomfort we feel about our own vulnerability. Our wounds embarrass us. Our loneliness, pain, confusion, anger, tears, and inability to cope are humiliating. We feel naked and alone, caught in some unspeakable act—the act of great sorrow. To compound this there is an old notion that somehow death is communicable.
Unresolved Issues
Death often brings up unfinished business. Old jealousies, hurts, and disputes that were never fully resolved often resurface when facing death. Your hospice social worker can provide counseling to help the family resolve these unfinished issues. The mourner’s body is being stressed mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. This is not an easy time for anyone.
Acceptance
The challenge of this final stage of grief is to emerge from the deep soul-searching night and to actively choose life—life after grief. Before you can choose life, you must come to the realization that the previous part of your life is truly over. Many people find this to be the hardest stage of grief.
The Grief Process
Grief can be described as the tearing apart of one’s life. You feel wounded and hurt, and the pain is both physical and emotional. While you may feel that your suffering is constant, there are actually several stages to the process of grief. You move quickly through some of these stages, while others will last for some time.
Denial
The very first reaction to death often shows itself as shock, numbness, or even disbelief. This feeling of shock acts as a blanket to numb the raw wounds. You must come face-to-face with the place where life and death meet and part. This view into death makes each of us vitally aware of our own mortality.
Grief can be described as the tearing apart of one’s life. You feel wounded and hurt, and the pain is both physical and emotional. While you may feel that your suffering is constant, there are actually several stages to the process of grief. You move quickly through some of these stages, while others will last for some time.
Denial
The very first reaction to death often shows itself as shock, numbness, or even disbelief. This feeling of shock acts as a blanket to numb the raw wounds. You must come face-to-face with the place where life and death meet and part. This view into death makes each of us vitally aware of our own mortality.
